On several occasions I have worked with clients who are struggling with the anxiety and confusion of a highly impactful stressful situation with an uncertain outcome, an outcome which is not in their control. It might be treatment for a life-threatening illness, or a primary relationship in which the partner is considering leaving, or job interview process (perhaps for a position that involves moving). I find that a common pattern for such a client is to bounce back and forth between optimism and pessimism; this bouncing is, itself, stressful. Their inner dialogue may go along these lines:
I need to think positive. I need to tell myself, it’s going to work out as I want. Thinking positive will be good for me mentally and physically. Sometimes positive thoughts can help bring about positive outcomes.
Hmmmm, maybe not.
No, I think I need to let go of my hope that things will turn out as I want. I need to accept that this is not going to happen. I need to be realistic. I’m just living in a fantasy world, when I hope. I need to let it go, grieve, and move on.
But maybe it will turn out okay, and then I will have grieved for nothing, and I will have given up too soon.
AAAARRGGHH! I don’t even know how to think or what to feel!
I have, in these cases, used the analogy of the client standing at a glass door, or a window, looking out. What is beyond the door is the future – but it is unclear, shrouded in heavy fog. One can stand there forever, straining one’s eyes, trying to make sense of the shapes out there – but the fog just isn’t going to lift, yet, and the future is not going to become clear for a while . In the meantime, life is going on behind the client – but their attention is not focused on that, it is on the foggy shapes beyond the door.
I have suggested to clients that it might be best for them to neither “think positively” nor “think negatively” (which they often call thinking realistically). It is not more helpful to imagine a rosy future beyond the door, the clouded shapes turning into the hoped-for scene, than it is to imagine the dreaded future – or vice versa. What is most helpful is to walk away from the door, and re-engage with the present. “Walk away from the door” (or the window – whichever works for them) can be a catchphrase that they use in their internal dialogue whenever they find themselves preoccupied with the future.
Another potentially helpful twist in this situation is to suggest to them that there are things they could do, in the present, that will benefit them if the rosy future comes to pass – and things they could do, in the present, that will benefit them if the dreaded future comes to pass – and almost always, there is some overlap. Taking care of oneself, nurturing one’s support network, eating well, getting exercise, maintaining a positive practice of prayer or meditation, getting enough sleep – all of these things will be beneficial for the client regardless of the outcome. Particularly in the case of the dreaded outcome, the client will be able to cope much better if they have been practicing good self-care. When the client is preoccupied with trying to decide between tasks related to one outcome or the other (do I start packing? do I give away my things? do I start looking for a place to live in the new city?) I suggest that they focus on the tasks which will benefit them in either case. Most often, there is plenty to do in that category; even cleaning out one’s closets, while it is good preparation for moving, is also a good task to have out of the way if one is staying put. These can be seen as action steps for “walk away from the door and tend to the present.”
the analogy bank 